When someone you care about is self-harming, knowing how to approach the situation can feel overwhelming. It’s a sensitive and often taboo topic, and the fear of saying or doing the wrong thing can leave us feeling helpless. However, one of the most powerful things you can do is offer support with empathy and understanding. In this installment of our series, we’ll explore how to provide meaningful support to someone who is self-harming.

Start With Empathy

The first step is to put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what it would feel like to experience such emotional pain and to be vulnerable enough to share it with someone else. Now ask yourself: What would you need from a friend in that moment? The answer is likely to be simple—connection, compassion, and understanding.

Supporting someone who self-harms doesn’t require you to have all the answers or solutions. What they need most is your presence and your willingness to validate their emotions. Let them know that their feelings are real and important, even if you don’t fully understand what they’re going through.

Listen Without Judgment

Truly listening is one of the greatest gifts you can offer. When they talk, focus on what they’re saying instead of planning your response. Let them know you’re there to listen without jumping to conclusions, giving advice, or offering platitudes. The key is to stay calm and supportive.

Judgment and overreaction can create barriers, making it harder for them to open up. Instead, respond with kindness, patience, and a calm demeanor. A simple, “I’m here for you” or “It’s okay to feel this way” can mean more than you realize.

Validate Their Feelings

Validation is a powerful tool in building trust and offering support. Acknowledge their feelings without dismissing or minimizing them. You don’t have to agree with everything they say, but you can show that you respect their experience. For instance, you might say, “That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

By validating their emotions, you create a safe space for them to feel seen and understood—an essential step in their healing process.

Be Present

You don’t need to “fix” their pain. As Judith Herman wisely said, “Sometimes all we need to do is just bear witness to other people’s pain. We don’t need to do anything else.” Your presence alone can be profoundly comforting. Let them know you’re there for them, whether it’s sitting together in silence, checking in with a message, or being available when they need someone to talk to.

Encourage Professional Help

While your support is invaluable, it’s important to recognize that self-harm often requires professional intervention. Gently encourage them to seek help from a therapist or counselor who can help them explore healthier coping mechanisms. Offer to help them research options or accompany them if they’re nervous about taking the first step.

Reassure Without Pressure

Let them know you’re there to support them on their journey. Avoid pressuring them to “get better” or “just stop” self-harming—this can add to their feelings of shame or guilt. Instead, remind them that you’re there to walk alongside them as they explore other ways of managing their emotional pain.

Conclusion

Supporting someone who self-harms is not about having all the answers; it’s about being present, empathetic, and understanding. By creating a safe space for them to express their feelings and by validating their experiences, you can help them feel less alone in their struggles. Remember, sometimes just being there and bearing witness to their pain is the most powerful act of support you can offer.